A White Picket Fence Read online

  He looked surprised by the question, but quickly composed his features. “What I could or couldn’t do is irrelevant.”

  “I want to know.”

  “I don’t know. I know you’re looking for something more concrete, but I can’t give it to you. Your situation, your relationship is unique to you. Whether or not you can get past it is a question only you can answer. Is it possible? Yes. It’s definitely possible.”

  10

  “She’s thirty,” Lina told Diane the next day over lunch. She’d broken down and told her of Phil’s infidelity on the phone the night before. “Which means she has a thirty-year-old body.” She shook her head to clear the image.

  “Don’t give her a second of your attention. She’s nothing to him.”

  “Except the woman who’s carrying his child.” Just saying the words had Lina’s stomach clenching. She pushed her uneaten salad towards the center of the table. She hadn’t been able to eat since finding out on Sunday.

  “Wayne said she’s planning to leave. I think she’s interviewing in DC.”

  “He knew, didn’t he? About the affair. That’s why he was acting distant to Phil that night.”

  “Yes. He said she pursued Phil relentlessly from the day she started last fall. He’s very upset about the whole thing.”

  “Does everyone know?” She hated the thought of his coworkers’ looks of pity.

  “No. Wayne said Phil was very discreet.”

  “How nice of him,” Lina bit out sarcastically.

  “Honey,” Diane began, covering her hand, “he did something awful and selfish, but he loves you.”

  “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

  “It was just a fling. He doesn’t want her. He wants you.”

  “Do you know her?”

  “I have a vague memory of her from the holiday party. Blonde, I think—she doesn’t hold a candle to you. And once she’s gone, you can put this behind you, and it will be like it never happened.”

  “She’s having his baby, Diane. This isn’t going away.”

  It was Tuesday night before Lina managed to sleep, and “sleep” was a generous term for the fitful slumber she fell into, filled with disturbing dreams that had her crying out and forcing Phil to wake her.

  “It’s okay,” he’d whisper, pulling her back into the warmth of his body. “You’re dreaming. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” And so it went all night as the nightmares that normally only plagued Lina when Phil was away came with a vengeance, and the one person who was able to bring her comfort was the same man whose actions had brought them on.

  Phil arrived home just before 7:00 the following evening, laden with carryout bags from a local barbeque restaurant. As Lina watched her children eating ribs, French fries and coleslaw, she was struck with how ordinary everything seemed. Megan was dominating the conversation with a description of decoration plans for her dorm room, Logan was eating with the gusto of a person who hadn’t eaten in weeks, and Katie was nibbling on a French fry while staring at the cell phone she thought no one could see in her lap. It was all so normal, and yet nothing would ever be normal again because there was a woman pregnant with their half sibling.

  It was too much. Sitting there pretending nothing was wrong. “Excuse me,” Lina whispered as she pushed back her chair, and then she was fleeing from the table and running out onto the deck.

  “Lina?” Phil was behind her, his hand sliding over her stomach.

  “Don’t.” She shook her head as she stepped away from him, crossing to the edge of the deck and looking out over the darkened yard. “I want to be alone.”

  “Let me make it better.”

  “Make it better?” She turned to him. “You’re why I’m hurting,” she cried. “You hurt me. And do you know what the worst part is? You’re the only one that had the power to hurt me like this.”

  “Baby, don’t.” He touched the side of her face. “Don’t cry.” He brushed his mouth against hers. “I love you.”

  “Stop!” she cried, pushing her palms against his chest. “I hate you!”

  “No you don’t.” His arms were around her, pulling her tightly into his chest. “No, you don’t.”

  “Let me go!” she screamed as she tried unsuccessfully to get away from him. “Let me go!”

  “Not until you calm down.”

  “I hate you! I hate you!”

  “Mom?” Logan’s concerned voice came from behind Phil. “Are you okay?”

  “She’s fine. Go back inside!” Phil growled.

  Logan took a step towards them. “Mom?”

  “It’s okay,” Lina said, no longer struggling. “I’m fine. Go back inside.”

  “Get out of here, Logan!” Phil roared when Logan still hesitated. “Now!”

  As soon as the door closed, Lina fisted Phil’s shirt. “Don’t you dare take this out on him!”

  “They’re watching.” He loosened his embrace. “All three.”

  Lina’s anger was gone as soon as she saw the worried looks on her children’s faces. “I’m calling Adele. I need to call Adele.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I don’t want to be here. I need to get away from you.”

  “Then I’ll leave.”

  “No. I can’t be around the kids, either.” She wiped at the tears beneath her eyes. “I need some space.”

  “Lina,” he began touching her arm. “Don’t do this. Go to our room. I’ll stay away. I’ll keep the kids away, and I’ll sleep in the guest room downstairs. The kids won’t know. Please. Stay.”

  “But I want to talk to Adele.”

  “Then have her come here. Call her.” He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and held it out to her. “Call her,” he repeated. “This is your house. You belong here. The kids need you here.”

  Lina was curled in the fetal position on the bed when Adele burst into her room. “What’s going on? What happened?”

  “Phil had an affair,” Lina said, knowing if she didn’t say it immediately she wouldn’t be able to. “And now she’s pregnant with his baby.”

  A speechless Adele stared at Lina for a full minute before responding, her face pale and her large eyes like saucers. “That motherfucker!” She crossed towards the door.

  “Adele, no!” Lina cried. “You can’t say anything. The kids don’t know. Please! Please don’t. Please.”

  “Oh, baby,” Adele whispered. “I’m so sorry.” She crossed back to the bed. And then they were both crying as Adele cradled Lina in her arms. “Do you know what we need?” Adele asked when the tears finally stopped. “Ice cream.”

  “I don’t think I can eat.”

  “Yes, you can.” Adele sat up on the bed and typed out a quick text. Within a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. “Relax,” Adele said when Lina’s body stiffened. “It’s just the ice cream.”

  Seconds later Adele was returning to the bed with a half-gallon of cookie dough ice cream and two spoons. “Courtesy of the asshole.”

  “What?” Lina asked. Then Adele showed her the cell phone and the text she had sent to Phil. You fucking asshole. Leave some ice cream outside the door and then go fuck yourself.

  Lina laughed through her tears. “I love you.”

  “I know.” She handed Lina a spoon. “Now eat.”

  “What am I going to do?” Lina asked. They were stretched out, side by side in bed after finishing almost all the ice cream. “How am I going to get through this?”

  “Rayburn women are survivors,” Adele said. “It’s our special talent—surviving.” It was true. Alice had been left with three daughters under the age of ten, and she’d survived. Adele had survived two divorces and still maintained her upbeat attitude.

  “Maybe I should tell him to leave.” Just saying the words aloud brought on a feeling of panic.

  “Do you want him to leave?”

  “No,” Lina admitted. “But I wish I did. I wish I didn’t love him. This wouldn’t hurt as bad.”

  “Do you know
what you need to do?” Adele sat up. “You need to have an affair. Let the bastard see how it feels.”

  “It could have been about anything,” Megan was saying to Logan when Katie came upstairs. They were in the upstairs family room, sitting beside each other on the couch. “Maybe they were fighting about Katie.”

  “It wasn’t about me,” Katie snapped at Megan as she joined them. “Maybe they were fighting about you.”

  “I’ve never seen Mom so upset,” Logan said, looking from Megan to Katie. “She was yelling that she hated him. What if they get a divorce or something?”

  “They aren’t getting divorced,” Megan said. “Adults argue. It’s normal. Maybe they normally do it in their bedroom and we just don’t hear them.”

  Katie planned to walk by them and into her room, but when she saw the tears in Logan’s eyes, she found herself dropping down into the chair across from him. He was pretty cool for a younger brother, and she felt bad that he was sad. “Grandma said they are like soulmates, and they have to be together, so I think that means they’ll never get divorced.”

  “How could she possibly know that?” Megan asked.

  “Through her astrology stuff.”

  “Mom and Dad don’t believe in that,” Megan said.

  “It doesn’t mean it isn’t true,” Katie said.

  Logan wiped his eyes, and Katie tried but failed to think of something to say to make him feel better.

  “They’ve been together since they were teenagers. They’d never get divorced,” Megan said as she rubbed Logan’s back.

  “Then why did she say she hated him?”

  “I’ve told Mom I hated her before, and I don’t really mean it,” Katie said. “I mean, at the time I do, but the next day I don’t.”

  “That means you don’t really hate Megan either,” Logan said, smiling through his tears.

  “No, I really hate her,” Katie said as she met Megan’s eyes and then, for the first time in as long as she could remember, they shared a smile, and then all three of them were laughing.

  “Lina? Lina, wake up.” Phil’s voice broke into her slumber, and she opened her eyes. “We should go upstairs before the kids wake up.”

  Lina focused on him first and then looked around the basement guest room. “Why am I here?” Her last memory was falling asleep in their bedroom.

  “You came down at about two and crawled into bed.” He was stretched out beside her, propped on his elbow as he looked down at her.

  “I don’t understand,” she began and then she did. She’d been looking for him. Even though he had completely devastated her, she’d been unable to sleep without him. “I’m pathetic,” she whispered, closing her eyes.

  “No, you’re not.” He pushed her hair back from her face. “You love me.” He pressed his lips against her forehead. “That’s why you came to me.”

  “I don’t know how not to love you.”

  “That’s because it would be unnatural.” He kissed her softly on the lips. “We belong together.”

  “Don’t.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her, holding her as she cried. “I know I don’t deserve you, but I swear I’m going to make this up to you.”

  11

  “He’s ready for you.” Katie flopped down beside Lina in Dr. Drayton’s waiting room Friday afternoon before pulling out a copy of Siddhartha by Herman Hesse from her bag.

  “Your hair’s gone,” Lina said as soon as she stepped into Dr. Drayton’s office.

  He swiped his hand over the top of his head, barely ruffling the short hair as he came around his desk. “My girlfriend assured me she could trim it.” He smiled. “It didn’t go as planned, so a professional salvaged what he could.”

  Lina wasn’t sure why, but the mention of a girlfriend surprised her. “It looks good. It was just a bit of a shock.” Without his hair as a distraction, the attractiveness of his face was more pronounced.

  “I prefer it longer, but there wasn’t much I could do.” He stopped before her, and she caught the faint smell of lavender from his aftershave. “Shall we?” He tossed his hand towards the seating area.

  “I want to thank you again for Sunday,” she said after they were seated. “It was one of the worst days of my life. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

  “I’m glad I could help.” His eyes traveled over her face. “Are you sleeping at all?”

  She knew she looked terrible, but having him confirm it made her feel that much worse. “That bad, huh?” She felt a lone tear leak out and wiped it from beneath her eye.

  “No, your eyes just aren’t as bright as normal.” He held out a box of tissues.

  “Thank you. I slept more last night. Every night seems a little better.” She dabbed at her eyes with the tissue. “The first few nights, the uncertainty brought on these dreams that I’ve had since I was a teenager when I’m apart from Phil. I think I was trying to convince myself I didn’t need him—that I could live without him. And that made me feel unsafe.”

  “You don’t believe you could live without him?”

  “I don’t want to,” she admitted. “I kicked him out of my room and lasted all of three hours. I realized that by trying to punish him, I was also punishing myself. It hurts enough as it is. I don’t want to add to it by pretending I can live without him.”

  He shifted in his chair and crossed one leg over the other. “You could live without him.”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t. I mean, if something happened to him and I was forced to, yes, but knowing he was out there with a separate life, living apart from me, no.”

  He looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he was opening the folder in his lap. “Let’s talk about Katie.”

  “What did I say? Why are you suddenly annoyed at me?”

  “I’m not annoyed at you.” He met her eyes. “My specialty is adolescents, so I am the wrong person to be counseling you, but dependency of any type—and that’s what you’re describing to me when you talk about your husband—is unhealthy. Two independent adults coming together—that’s the foundation for a healthy relationship.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I think I do, but I’m Katie’s psychiatrist. I need to keep these sessions focused on Katie. If you would like the name of—”

  “No!” Her face heated. “I don’t want a counselor. I’m sorry. This is my fault. I started to think of you as a friend. Let’s talk about Katie.”

  “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m the professional. I let us take a slight detour, and now we’ll get things back on track, okay?” He raised his eyebrows.

  She hated the coolness he was suddenly projecting but knew he was right. She was starting to treat him like her therapist. “Yes.”

  “We are at the point in Katie’s therapy where I believe it would be beneficial for me to meet with her father.”

  “Why?” Her mind was swimming. If Phil found out he knew about the—

  “Lina.” He waited until she looked at him before continuing. “I need to talk to him about Katie, nothing more.”

  Even with Dr. Drayton’s assurances they would only discuss Katie, Lina still felt nervous as she awaited Phil’s return from his appointment the following Wednesday evening.

  Two and a half hours after his scheduled appointment, the sound of the garage door opening signaled Phil’s arrival.

  “You didn’t really meet with him for two hours, did you?” Lina asked.

  “Yes, I really did.” He set his briefcase on the floor beside the kitchen island before meeting her lips for a brief kiss.

  “Your dinner is ready. Do you want to eat in the kitchen or outside?”

  “Outside.” He pulled a beer from the refrigerator. “I don’t want the kids overhearing us.”

  “Are you going to tell me how it went?” Lina asked as she watched Phil dig into the shrimp scampi on his plate.

  “It was—�
� he hesitated with his fork at his lips “—interesting. Interesting and enlightening.” He put a shrimp in his mouth, watching her while he chewed.

  “Did you like him?” She was confused by his response. He seemed almost amused.

  “You mean Nicholas?”

  “Nicholas? Did he tell you to call him that?”

  “No, but I thought he may have told you to.”

  “No. I call him Dr. Drayton.” She watched him continue to eat. “Are you going to tell me what you think of him?”

  He tore off a piece of garlic bread and hesitated with it in front of his mouth. “I think Dr. Drayton has a very unprofessional interest in one of his patients’ mothers,” he said before tossing the bread in his mouth.

  “That’s not even funny.” She could feel her cheeks heat up.

  “I agree it’s not funny. The man has completely fallen for you. His entire demeanor changed when he talked about you. And he talked about you a lot.”

  Lina laughed aloud. “That’s the craziest thing you’ve ever said.” She could feel herself begin to perspire. “Didn’t you talk to him about Katie?”

  “Yes. That was fine with the exception of the part where I’m a hundred percent to blame for all her problems.”

  “That’s not true, Phil. He’s been giving me parenting advice for months. We’re both a part of this. Is that what’s wrong with you? You think he thinks I’m a better parent than you?”

  “No. I know he thinks you’re a better parent than I am, but frankly I don’t have a problem with that.” He trailed his index finger through the condensation on the outside of his beer bottle, his eyes watching the movement. “What I do have a problem with is my daughter’s psychiatrist lusting after my wife, especially when he sees her once a week.” He lifted his eyes to hers. “That, I have a problem with.”

  “He isn’t lusting after me. He has a girlfriend.”

  “Does he?” He lifted his eyebrows. “And how would you know that?”

  Lina’s blush deepened, and she was thankful for the dim lighting on the deck. “He just mentioned her in passing.”